Here is a great article (although I often think Aftonbladet prints a lot of junk), about kids in Swedish society.
Among other things, it points out:
1. Those parents who both work and then spoil their kids by "buying" their love with the few hours they do have together....ok kid, you point, I buy it.
2. In the past perhaps parents were seen as being too authoritarian and strict, but now the opposite is often true.
3. Kids who have everything given to them without any jobs or duties can grow up to have a poor sense of duty to family and society.
4. In general, this guys says that kids who are overspoiled have a hard time being satisfied, and will possibly have difficutly relating to others properly when they grow up.
http://www.aftonbladet.se/debatt/debattamnen/familj/article15097626.ab
Swedes kind of shoot themselves in the leg as they are not legally allowed to physically discipline their kids, and therefore often don't know or are scared to pursue alternative discipline (like positive reinforcement, time out, removal of toys, etc)
Without any discipline, kids can really hurt themselves, and I have seen that several times. An example that our daughter often remembers is two girls who were running wild inside the metro (spårvagn), totally ignoring their mother's pleas to sit down, and then fell and really hurt themselves when it stopped to pick up passengers.
Recognize this girl from Willy Wonka? She got everything she wanted, yet had a hard time making friends, being satisfied with life, and was not so fun to be around.
I don't like to criticize something without giving some alternative solutions, so here we go. Keep in mind that when used improperly, any discipline (or lack of discipline) can be harmful.
Healthy alternatives to spanking and how it looks in reality:
1. If the kid is old enough, explaining the natural consequences is often powerful.
Calmly remove the kid from the danger, in this example a heavy box they were trying to pull off the table. Explain that if they want it, please ask for mom/dad's help, because if they keep pulling it then it could fall on them, and then that would hurt! It might have made them cry and even need a bandaid. Isn't it better for mom/dad to help and then they can avoid getting hurt....
2. Kids often are disobedient due to boredom. Think up something to do, even if it means telling them a story while waiting in the grocery line or playing simon says, or otherwise totally distracting them.
Our daughter got bored of waiting for the lunch as I was getting it ready. I notice her getting sillier and more rebellious, poking the little brother, kicking toys,etc. By jumping in with distraction (or especially asking her help in preparing lunch), I have destroyed her boredom and put her energy to use for something better.
3. Explaining clearly what is coming and what is expected, and following through.
Often our kids can get upset when we do something without prior warning. I often step back and give them a grace period before the next thing. This means, if my daughter is playing with her toys, and we need to go somewhere, I still let her play for one minute, and use that one minute for her to process that we are soon going out.
4. Time outs are very valuable. 1 minute per year of how old the kid is (4 year old sits 4 minutes, 2 year old sits 2 minutes). (also known as Supernanny method)
Child is disobedient. If she knows she is breaking the rules, this means immediate time out. They sit on a chair with a timer set for 3 minutes. This can be really hard at first to implement, but kids really learn quick when they have to sit and miss out on the fun for a minute or two. Finish by asking for them to say sorry, and lovingly forgiving them, saying you love them, and giving them a big hug.
5. Show disappointment.
Show how their behavior makes mom/dad, friends, siblings sad and even point out when what they do makes someone cry so they understand what they have done. Forgiveness and love should also be very active here, as well as the golden rule (would you like it if your little brother had hit you like that?, don't do it to him if you wouldn't want to recieve that same treatment).
6. Removal of privileges.
Many things kids have and do are privileges and not rights. Of course sleep, warm clothes, food, love, those are rights. Extra time at the playground, lots of toys, outings, candy, those are privileges. If a child is disobedient, then offer two options. If you want to continue disobeying, then i will remove your book/doll/(current favorite toy) until tomorrow. Or in the opposite sense, "if you are a very good girl while we are at the store, then we can go by the playground on the way home." Be sure to be consistent. Kids REALLY notice when you threaten and don't follow through.
A friend of mine told of a time when she had a little blow up swimming pool for her kids in the backyard. It was finally a warm sunny day, and she blew up the pool, filled it up, got the kids ready, and they were excited!! One of the girls started being disobedient, and the mom said, if you continue being disobedient (i.e. pulling your sisters hair), I will not allow you to swim in the pool. She continued pulling her sisters hair, and was very sad to have to sit and watch as her sister played alone in the pool. She lost her swim privileges one day, but was VERY careful to be obedient and know that mom means business when she says that disobedience will have it's punishment.
(more tips according to http://nymetroparents.com/article/Eight-Alternatives-to-Slapping-or-Spanking-Children)
Among other things, it points out:
1. Those parents who both work and then spoil their kids by "buying" their love with the few hours they do have together....ok kid, you point, I buy it.
2. In the past perhaps parents were seen as being too authoritarian and strict, but now the opposite is often true.
3. Kids who have everything given to them without any jobs or duties can grow up to have a poor sense of duty to family and society.
4. In general, this guys says that kids who are overspoiled have a hard time being satisfied, and will possibly have difficutly relating to others properly when they grow up.
http://www.aftonbladet.se/debatt/debattamnen/familj/article15097626.ab
Swedes kind of shoot themselves in the leg as they are not legally allowed to physically discipline their kids, and therefore often don't know or are scared to pursue alternative discipline (like positive reinforcement, time out, removal of toys, etc)
Without any discipline, kids can really hurt themselves, and I have seen that several times. An example that our daughter often remembers is two girls who were running wild inside the metro (spårvagn), totally ignoring their mother's pleas to sit down, and then fell and really hurt themselves when it stopped to pick up passengers.
Recognize this girl from Willy Wonka? She got everything she wanted, yet had a hard time making friends, being satisfied with life, and was not so fun to be around.
I don't like to criticize something without giving some alternative solutions, so here we go. Keep in mind that when used improperly, any discipline (or lack of discipline) can be harmful.
Healthy alternatives to spanking and how it looks in reality:
1. If the kid is old enough, explaining the natural consequences is often powerful.
Calmly remove the kid from the danger, in this example a heavy box they were trying to pull off the table. Explain that if they want it, please ask for mom/dad's help, because if they keep pulling it then it could fall on them, and then that would hurt! It might have made them cry and even need a bandaid. Isn't it better for mom/dad to help and then they can avoid getting hurt....
2. Kids often are disobedient due to boredom. Think up something to do, even if it means telling them a story while waiting in the grocery line or playing simon says, or otherwise totally distracting them.
Our daughter got bored of waiting for the lunch as I was getting it ready. I notice her getting sillier and more rebellious, poking the little brother, kicking toys,etc. By jumping in with distraction (or especially asking her help in preparing lunch), I have destroyed her boredom and put her energy to use for something better.
3. Explaining clearly what is coming and what is expected, and following through.
Often our kids can get upset when we do something without prior warning. I often step back and give them a grace period before the next thing. This means, if my daughter is playing with her toys, and we need to go somewhere, I still let her play for one minute, and use that one minute for her to process that we are soon going out.
4. Time outs are very valuable. 1 minute per year of how old the kid is (4 year old sits 4 minutes, 2 year old sits 2 minutes). (also known as Supernanny method)
Child is disobedient. If she knows she is breaking the rules, this means immediate time out. They sit on a chair with a timer set for 3 minutes. This can be really hard at first to implement, but kids really learn quick when they have to sit and miss out on the fun for a minute or two. Finish by asking for them to say sorry, and lovingly forgiving them, saying you love them, and giving them a big hug.
5. Show disappointment.
Show how their behavior makes mom/dad, friends, siblings sad and even point out when what they do makes someone cry so they understand what they have done. Forgiveness and love should also be very active here, as well as the golden rule (would you like it if your little brother had hit you like that?, don't do it to him if you wouldn't want to recieve that same treatment).
6. Removal of privileges.
Many things kids have and do are privileges and not rights. Of course sleep, warm clothes, food, love, those are rights. Extra time at the playground, lots of toys, outings, candy, those are privileges. If a child is disobedient, then offer two options. If you want to continue disobeying, then i will remove your book/doll/(current favorite toy) until tomorrow. Or in the opposite sense, "if you are a very good girl while we are at the store, then we can go by the playground on the way home." Be sure to be consistent. Kids REALLY notice when you threaten and don't follow through.
A friend of mine told of a time when she had a little blow up swimming pool for her kids in the backyard. It was finally a warm sunny day, and she blew up the pool, filled it up, got the kids ready, and they were excited!! One of the girls started being disobedient, and the mom said, if you continue being disobedient (i.e. pulling your sisters hair), I will not allow you to swim in the pool. She continued pulling her sisters hair, and was very sad to have to sit and watch as her sister played alone in the pool. She lost her swim privileges one day, but was VERY careful to be obedient and know that mom means business when she says that disobedience will have it's punishment.
(more tips according to http://nymetroparents.com/article/Eight-Alternatives-to-Slapping-or-Spanking-Children)
1. Prevention
Probably the most effective alternative to hitting a child is prevention. By creating a "child proof" environment, where things are out of reach, children are less likely to get into trouble
2. Show Disappointment
Let the child know that you are disappointed in his or her behavior. Explain what your expectations are. Make sure he or she understands right from wrong and what the rules are. Explain the consequences if the inappropriate behavior continues.
3. Take Away a Privilege
If a child misbehaves after being warned, a privilege such as watching television or playing on the computer can be taken away or restricted. Other privileges include playing with a certain toy. Never withhold food.
4. Give a "Time Out"
Sending a child to his or her room is not an appropriate "Time-Out." Instead, select an area that is isolated from others, such as a certain chair in the corner of a room or hallway. Make sure the child knows why he or she is being given a "Time Out" and how long it will last.
5. Catch Them Being Good
Whenever a child does something good (helps set the table, brush teeth, speaks politely, etc.) be sure to react with praise and other forms of acceptance of those behaviors. The more parents respond positively, the less likely children are to misbehave.
6. Create a Contract (especially with teenagers)
Write down what you want your teen to do (clean up his/her room, etc.) and indicate what you will do in exchange (stop talking about his friends that you don't like, etc.). Be specific in indicating what you want to see and what you will or will not do. Sign the contract.
7. Be Empathetic
In words and actions, show your children that you understand the difficulties they are facing (other kids calling them names, the loss of a pet, etc.). Feeling understood helps children feel good about themselves, and such feelings lessen the times they misbehave.
I've been doing the "give them a heads up so they know what's coming next" one lately and it's great. I know I sure would hate it if everything was sprung on me all the time and I had to go through life never knowing what I was going to be doing that day. So now I give my 2 year old son a quick run down of the day and always make sure to include something he enjoys doing.
ReplyDeleteI also give him choices when it comes to what to eat for breakfast or lunch (dinner is a no brainer since he has what we have) and also what to wear that day. I never give more than two things to choose from and none of the choices are ever something that I wouldn't allow in the first place (i.e. fruit snacks for breakfast or short sleeves in the middle of winter). I feel like it gives him some independence and a little more control over how his day goes.